Morganne.

Jesse

Miss Morganne. — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 23:39:32 +0000

I don’t even know where to start, I’m so frustrated and I’ve literally thought about nothing but this all day. I tried making you a video cause it was easier to say everything I felt but it won’t let me send it to you on facebook, youtube says it’s not compatible, wordpress you have to pay 60 fucking dollars, and I don’t want people to see me talking about something so personal on tumblr. So here goes nothing…. I was going to wish you a happy birthday today, well actually i was going to come by your house and drop something off but after looking at your tumblr today and seeing “the most dope gift ever from madison” really hurt.. She gave you a notepad with pictures that you like on it. I’ve done so many things for you jesse..i’ve given you everything I possibly could throughout the years that I’ve known you. I’ve given you a dog tag necklace that was engraved, i bought you the watch you loved so much, i’ve written a 13 page letter too you, baked you pies, brought you roses, i was by your side every time you were racing, we flew to vegas and attempted to watch a chris angel show for your birthday last year, i was with you every single holiday spending time with your family, i feel like i’ve given you so much and too see that her present is so awesome hurts so much. What hurts more is the fact that it’s been two weeks since we last spoke and you just left things at “okay” i’ve texted you multiple times and you just ignore me. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you or miss you. You were my first everything and I used to not even be able to fathom the idea of not having you in my life. So tell me how do i let go of someone whose been apart of my life from 13-17? I love you so much and i thank you for everything you’ve done for me. You are the most loyal, faithful, and trustworthy guy I have ever had in my life. You were my first love and I will never forget you. But aside from that I didn’t want to wish you a happy birthday cause i’m sure you’ll just ignore this too and if not it will probably only be a simple thank you…but this was something I needed to do. You needed to hear this from me. This is so hard for me cause it’s been many years since I haven’t been with you on your birthday and it’s just eating at me..but this is the best I can do. I hope you have an amazing birthday Jesse and I wish I could be there to share it with you.

Love, Morganne

Miss Morganne. — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 19:18:55 +0000

I always though to myself that i’ve never do this but I’m done with this blog. It only brings up bad memories and it hurts me too look at it. Goodbye.
morgannekat.tumblr.com

Our Karma Is Done.

Miss Morganne. — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 06:54:30 +0000

Tonight was no coincidence and after two whole years tonight brought us all together again for two hours. The room was silent because no words needed to be said out loud. I’ve thought about if there could ever be him and you in my life but it’s just not possible. I want to put everything behind us and just not think twice about it but there’s just so much to be said. I’m really at a lost for words even though everything that I want to say has been racing through my mind tonight. As much as you act like you don’t know me at school and as much as you seem to wish that there wasn’t even so much as a friendship between us, there was, there was a lot more. You can lie to everyone and you can hide the person that you are, but not from me and you know that. So ignore me and say what you will but you and I both know that Jesse is what came between us and this is way things have to be. I’ve come to realize that, or so you make it seem, I have cared and put forth more effort to have any sort of relationship with you than you have with me. It never bothered you like it bothered me. Maybe you don’t realize how much I ever cared or maybe you do either way it doesn’t bother me anymore and I guess that by writing this I’m just making it final.
Our karma is done. So what does that mean? I’m just starting to figure that out.

Stronger than ever.

Miss Morganne. — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 20:40:43 +0000

What you gave me I know you gave me,
You remind me all the time.
And how you hurt me and you don’t see it.
Again I am the child.

And though you tell me that you love me,
I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down.
It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself.
And though it used to hurt me when you push me away,
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way.

How I wish you, you suffered less too.
It tears us both apart.
And it’s not pretty the way you criticize me,
And how it breaks my heart.
How I wish you knew, how much I need you.
I feel like running but I can’t abandon you.
You avoid my gaze, withdraw from me these days.
You punish me for trying to be all that you wanted.
What more can I do?

this is not okay.

Miss Morganne. — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 22:37:58 +0000

I hate this apartment and the jeeps in the parking spaces. I hate my school and the people in it. I hate seeing my friends walk by like they don’t know me. I hate not being liked for no good reason. I hate coming home everyday. I hate your text messages. I hate looking at a computer. I hate seeing things on the internet. I hate listening to happy music. I hate driving her car. I hate having no escape. I hate being un-happy. I hate your phone calls. I hate the blank screen of my phone. I hate listening to the songs you like. I hate the constant nagging. I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate touching my hair. I hate pictures. I hate not knowing the answer. I hate the constant pains I have. I hate feeling like this. I hate you, you and you.

But most of all, I hate looking in the mirror.

Miss Morganne. — Sat, 22 May 2010 23:58:21 +0000

Four walls. To my left, right, behind and facing me. One hovering about and one concealing underneath me. They’re closing in on me, about to cave. An invisible box encases my existence. Clearly everyone can see me fighting my own battles. The dents of others and wasted emotions make it look less and less like a box. It is no longer a prism of light and color but a heart-shaped box I’ve been stuck in for weeks and weeks. It’s been weathered down and I’m in such a tight place now that there’s not much room to breathe. I want out, I want to break through these walls and not think twice about how, why, who, or what enclosed me in there. I keep blaming myself for what has happened but it doesn’t make sense how I could do this to myself. I’m trying to just make myself believe that I should stop giving and letting everything be so detrimental in my life. How can I find happiness and is it a journey I must endure by myself? All I know is that I need to find someway out of this box. It has consumed me and become my life. I didn’t choose this box it chose me. I don’t deserve to just be put away like a pair of worn down shoes. It may have decided when to capture me but it doesn’t get to choose when it releases me. This isn’t my box. It is time for me to go now, there wasn’t ever very much room for me anyway.

Sleep

Miss Morganne. — Sun, 09 May 2010 06:00:44 +0000

What a beautiful, beautiful thing.
The greatest gifts come from unseen things.

cravings.

Miss Morganne. — Thu, 06 May 2010 01:17:44 +0000

it’s times like these i could really get lost in something i really shouldn’t.

I hope you read this but you probably won’t.

Miss Morganne. — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 05:30:03 +0000

You probably won’t even think twice about reading my blog in the first place. I don’t know you anymore. You keep saying I’ve changed but I haven’t. I don’t do drugs, big deal. It’s not something I’m overly proud of and it’s not something I’m trying to flaunt or throw in your face. I really don’t care. I know I freaked out at first on you but that was over a month ago. I apologized and accepted the fact that you do. Are you holding a grudge on me? Did this really have to deter our relationship this much? You can walk by me like I’m a stranger. We used to be bestfriends. I was ALWAYS there for you. I helped you with your tariq problems, I helped you with your rachel problems, I listened to you cry on the phone and the times at the mall i bought you ice cream to try and cheer you up. I’ve listened to your family problems and I let you into my life. We had great times together and you know it’s true. So how could you ignore me? How could you replace me so easily and sit at a different table at lunch? How could you become better friends with a guy that caused you more drama in your life than I ever will? I’m always nice to you. You always say I have a pissed off look on my face when I see you but maybe it’s because I’m mad at myself. Mad at myself for ever letting something like this ruin our friendship. I love you and care about you the same as I always have but i’m coming to the conclusion that these feelings were never returned and I think to myself why do I even bother taking my time to write this to someone who it means nothing too? But I already know the answer to that before I even finish typing the question. I’m hoping that you’ll return to me and the friends that have always been there for you and still are so things can go back to the way they were, the way they should be.

Miss Morganne. — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 04:54:45 +0000

You know those times where you feel unattractive, lonely, unloved, fat, or completely sad and you just can’t put your finger on it? Welcome to my world 24/7. I will never be good enough for anyone. I’m pretty much a fuck up. I am truly sorry for anyone that has had to deal with me. I am just as disgusted as you are. I really wish I could just disappear.